a little faith.
as alex wrote last night, sometimes in the neediest of our moments, we hesitantly reach out to a friend, a lover or a stranger… and we find ourselves with more than we could ever ask for—a little bit of faith.
talked to him for the first time in months last night. alex and steph and gloria and ryan and jenn and jma and douglas andd. I had a good night. Typing away from 6 to 9. I didn’t get to organizing my room, paying my bills, or applying to grad schools. My life didn’t advance in any direction… but I rewalked the bridges that took so many years and so much effort (on all of our parts) to forge. And then two more hours on the phone constructing away at new bridges. It was nice. comfortable. comforting.
//at the end of the day, everyone needs a little faith in them to change for the better//~~ aye aye alex :]
figured out the missing ingredient: chivalry.
i thought i had long outgrown my childhood dreams of fairy stardust and romance. that i had now stumbled into the world of womanhood, where only i was the owner of my soul, sexuality, and self. and that only little girls swoon over.. chivalry.
at 27, lj marvelled over my 19-year-old perspective of love. faith. dedication. at 19, i was shocked to find that after a few failed attempts at a happily-ever-after, you stop chasing fantasies.. and settle for pragmatism.
at 21, i don't know how to settle for pragmatism.
i miss the magic.. i miss the belief in something beautiful and bigger than yourself. i hate the pragmatic breakdown of intensions and actions.. the conclusion that every drive stems from selfishness. regardless of its veracity, i refuse to believe in it. recognize it. play a part in your ruthless dissections of human nature.
if only you pretended to care each time i got hurt. kissed my booboo and told me i'll be better in no time. given me your warmth when i was cold. feigned a little more tenderness. hidden your disregard for my feelings--
i'd come running-- i'd come running back to you.
woke up in a fit of rage this morning. but it's a little late for grievances. but not too late for epiphanies. never too late for epiphanies.
6 months of looking. searching. grasping at clues about what wasn't working.. something fundamental. something key. i guess we didn't find it because we mistook how important.relevant.crucial it was. realizing how important it is to me~ i feel 17 again.. wonderfully wonderfully naive again~
You're hopeless 'cause you tell the truth
The stars are jealous of your shine
If you were mine-- there's not a thing I wouldn't do
You're black and beautiful, yellow, tan
You're white as light and soft as sand
With greens and greys and oh for days
A silver lining on the way you cover everyone
Just like a morning sun
You turn me into someone I would rather be
You're coffee brown and bubble gum pink
And oh I think the shade of you is on the brink
Of changing all the ways I see the world
I could drown inside a single drop
Of all the kinds of things you got
And all the kinds of things I'm not
Might just give me a chance to see
From way up where you are
Above the silent stars
Just dancing in the sky
You're better than any rainbow
You're brighter than the sun
You look like my first day of summer
When my spring is on the run
You're gold and more gold
And you're platinum too
With snow toned, copper attitude
I don't know what I'd do without you
I don't know what I'll do about you
You wear the day around you
Like it's yours to stay around you
Maybe I could stay around you too
If that's alright with you
I love your every color
I love your everything
*
Recently started reading steph’s blog. I am .amazed. at how dedicated she is to life—its little moments, its big lessons, its passing beauty and lasting impressions. it’s so easy to fall into the rut of mindless existence.. there’s simply too much to perpetually occupy our minds/thoughts~ seemingly pressing things like cooking/cleaning/housekeeping, staying sane during traffic, and pretending to be busy at work are never-ending~ and desires to nourish our bodies with food drink sex rest cleansing are insatiable.. it boggles my mind how much time and energy I spend constantly feeding my corporal needs.
At the end of the day.. there’s little that I’ve contributed to the world, to the people around me, or even to myself. I’ve only sustained my body for yet another day.
This is no way to live. I’m gonna start allocating a few moments of my day, everyday, to being mindful.
Today’s topic of contemplation: I’m single again~~ although.. to be frank with myself, I’m always holding onto the tethers of someone’s love.care.affection. someone’s desire to be with me and be there for me.. such that—I don’t think it’s fair to ever tell myself that I am freestanding. alone. self-sufficient. Independent. “single.” In fact.. I compromise the emotional sovereignty of others in exchange for my own freedom. I free myself of any responsibility to give… but I still take all the liberties to receive.
Wow. First time reflecting in a while and.. the truth is brutal.
I heard /your every color/ by train today (lyrics above) for the first time in a while.. and remembered why being single is so appealing to me. i’m still so young and so far from the woman I want to become.. and in order to grow into someone who has the beauty, the depth of content, and the wide array of colors to offer the world—I think I need space.. In a relationship, I feel stagnant—I see myself pursuing what it is that he wants me to be and then staying there… I see my life begin to revolve around him, and *our* happiness.. our goals.. our pursuits. I guess unless his pursuits entirely line up with what I truly want from life, I.. feel myself stifled by him.
// And oh I think the shade of you is on the brink
of changing all the ways I see the world
I could drown inside a single drop
of all the kinds of things you got
and all the things I’m not //
Before I get settled in the cozy quarters of love~ i hope to be someone who can inspire such emotions in someone else.. each new relationship highlights the abundance of flaws I have.. my irresponsibility, immaturity, and utter imperfection. It’s about time I stopped putting off the ginormous project of working on myself.life.future~