i still find pieces of your presence here
even, even after all of these years--

you're still laced in my words, my actions, my thoughts. invisible, but if discerning enough, one could pick them out. in trying times, when my own character falters, i think to what you would do. and each time this guides me to a plan of action i would never regret.

thank you d :)

i'm folding the teeshirt you made for me, and i realize that i've finally buckled. there's no romanticism left. no happiness. no warmth. just disgust and regret. this realization that you're not capable of loving someone or appreciating their love for you. this clarity that you can only see feel and understand yourself- your own feelings- your desires. i hate it. but i hate hating you more.

i wish i could continue to dream and believe that you're so wonderful. but i can't keep this delusion up no matter how much i want to. i can't remember two fond memories of you, and when i made that list of 10 things i loved about you i couldn't make it past number three. this is not some post-relationship brain-chemical-induced distaste that my body uses to assure me that leaving you was the right thing to do. leaving you was always the right thing to do but the sentimentality toward our time together.. made me appreciate you, and all that you did-- both sweet and hurtful. because they showed me how much you liked desired needed me.

but i continue to find another teeshirt. similarly colored. still soft after all these years. from my very first boyfriend. i don't know him well anymore but this teeshirt is nothing but warmth. and happiness. and gentle care. we put each other through hell, but continue to love each other as people. he is a good man, and that's one of those things that i have full faith will never change.

sigh. it's leaving time. all i want to do is simplify simplify simplify. the turning points between life stages are dismal. always. i fear it's going to be hard this time around with no one skyping my chinese cell every day of the week. no one vchatting me to see my new room in sf. no one worrying with me about the academic rigor of the new year. no one to tell stories to or bounce insights off of. but it definitely feels better to be unattached than to be attached to the wrong person. no matter how sweet, misery is still misery and this is a good time to take a much-needed break from it.

thoughts of a desert road trip, a himalayan journey, and a cultural immersion in japan are... overwhelming, but inspiring. i don't think it's a good idea to fit everything in here and now. i am only 23 afterall, and the world will still be here for quite a while. a journey is a good way to.. interlude. this dallas sojourn has changed me in subtle ways, but little by little-- i feel much much older than 21.